How to Stop People Pleasing and Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty (Ep. 4)

Are you tired of saying yes when you really want to say no? Exhausted from putting everyone else’s needs above your own? This episode is for you.

In “How to Stop People Pleasing and Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty”, I’m breaking down: 

➡️ Why people pleasing keeps you stuck
➡️ The real reason you feel guilty setting boundaries
➡️ 4 essential boundaries every woman needs
➡️ How to say no without explaining yourself
➡️ What to do when people push back

 If you’re ready to reclaim your time, energy, and confidence — tune in now. 

👉 Hit play, take the challenge at the end, and tag @skymareesteele on Instagram to share what you’re finally giving yourself permission to do!

FREE 3-Day Masterclass: From People Pleaser to Powerhouse

Break free from the 'Nice Girl' rules, set strong boundaries, and reclaim your power to achieve meaningful results in 2025.

👉 Sign up now at: uniquelyyoupsychology.com/freemasterclass

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to Confidence Unfiltered. I'm your host, sky Marie Steele, a clinical psychologist, business owner, ADHD, and recovering people pleaser. If you've spent your life trying to keep everyone else happy while feeling like you're never quite enough, you're in the right place. Here we ditch the people pleasing, silence, the self-doubt, and have real unfiltered conversations about confidence, boundaries, and building a life that feels unapologetically yours. No fluff, no perfection, just raw, real talk to help you trust yourself, show up fully and own your dam power. Let's dive in. Welcome to another episode of Confidence Unfiltered. So today I wanna talk about boundaries. And boundaries is something that makes people pleasers very uncomfortable. But here's what I need you to actually know, is that boundaries are your superpower. So I really wanna work with you and support you to help you stop saying yes when you actually wanna say no. So let me ask you this. Have you ever said yes? When deep in your gut, in your soul, you know you wanted to say no? How many times in your day, in your week do you feel guilty for even maybe thinking about putting yourself first? How many times have you gone along with something just to avoid conflict? Or you felt constantly drained from being everything to everyone else and consistently forgetting about yourself. Then if that's you, this episode is for you. Because here's the truth, and this was a hard hitter for me when I actually first heard it, is not having boundaries is actually selfish, not the other way round. Like as people. Please, as we get caught up in this idea. That boundaries are selfish, but what's actually more selfish is not letting other people know where you stand with them. By setting boundaries. And equally what is selfish is not respecting yourself, because ultimately boundaries are the ultimate sense of respect for you and for other people. And when you start setting them, everything fucking changes. Your confidence goes up, your energy goes up, your relationships improve, like all of it. Is it scary? Abso fucking, absolutely. Is it worth It is, yes. Today we're gonna break down why we struggle so much with boundaries. How we can start to think about setting them without owning the guilt and what to actually do when people push back. Because a lot of the time when I hear boundaries work, we talk about how to set the boundary, but not necessarily what to do when we get the pushback. So let's get into it. So why do most of us struggle to set boundaries? You know, here's the thing. Most of us, it's because we just weren't taught. Yeah, maybe our caregivers didn't actually know how to set boundaries themself, or their boundaries were so rigid that boundaries actually scared us. You know, as we grow up, we learn and we are taught messages around boundaries. Maybe you were taught that you always had to be nice even at the cost of your own peace, which means don't set a boundary. Or maybe like me, you were taught that you, you're not meant to make other people feel uncomfortable. In actual fact, your job is to make everybody else feel comfortable and that you are responsible for that. Insert no fucking boundaries again, right? Or maybe you are taught that others are just more important than you, and you actually just need to put other people first, even when you're drowning. And you know, maybe there were other messages that you received too. That you weren't good enough, you weren't worthy, that you weren't like, whatever it is, there's gonna be a story that was taught to you that isn't yours, by the way, growing up as to why now you don't set boundaries. So when you finally start to say no, it's actually gonna feel wrong, like it's gonna go against your nervous system. That part of you that thinks it's protecting you by not having the boundary in the first place. It's gonna feel like you're being mean, like you're letting other people down. But here is what I need you to hear today. You are not responsible for other people's feelings around your boundaries, right? I'm gonna say it again because I really want you to hear this from me. You are not responsible. For other people's feelings about your boundaries. You know when you set a boundary and someone gets upset, that does not mean that you did something wrong, right? It means that they were benefiting from you having one. Or sometimes it's simply means it's different for them and they're uncertain what's going on. So let's talk about the cost of not having boundaries. Well, here's the thing that I experienced. A lot of right. I struggled not having boundaries, and I found myself being really resentful. I was angry. I was constantly doing things for everybody else, and I had this internal feeling of just being a really fucking pissed off. And then because I'm me and I'm a people pleaser, what I did with that feeling of being pissed off is I made it wrong. I made it mean that because I was resentful. Of wanting to, like not wanting to help others all the time that I was a bad person, that there was something wrong with me. So then I added guilt and shame, and I layered all of these bullshittery feelings simply because I wasn't taught that I'm allowed to set a boundary. The other thing I notice with people who don't have boundaries is this sense of exhaustion. There is this fatigue that goes beyond the physical, right? There is no time or energy left for yourself. And the other thing that starts to happen when we don't have boundaries is this sense of being invisible because people expect you to always be available, but they don't give the same in return because you haven't taught them that you are worthy of that. So you start to feel like people, they don't see you, they don't hear you, you don't exist. Your sense of identity, you've almost given it away entirely. To other people through lack of boundary. And the other thing that happens, which was very much linked with me, is I got really frustrated, like deep down inside with myself. Like I was getting pissed off. I was like, oh my God, I deserve better. Why these people doing this to be not realizing I was doing it to myself and here's the fucking clinker, I actually had the power to change it. I just didn't actually know at the time, and that's why I wanna talk to you today because there is power for you in shifting these feelings in making something different happen in your world. You know, boundaries are really important because they protect your precious resources, they protect your time. We all have the same amount of time. How we use it is really important. Boundaries. Protect your energy, your life force, right? Your soul, whatever language you use around that, it protects that essence of you. Boundaries protect your mental health, right? My anxiety without boundaries gets out of fucking control. You know, I see other people, they have anger issues or. They have like really deep depression or other significant mental health issues that maybe like they've got bipolar borderline personality disorder. Those disorders get triggered and get exacerbated when boundaries do not exist because we cannot take care of ourself. And the other thing that happens is your confidence, it plummets. There is no self-worth, there is no self-esteem, there is no sense of who you are in the world. But the moment. The moment you start enforcing boundaries, you start to step in to your power in a way that gets to change everything. So let's break down, in my opinion, and there are more, but there are four essential boundaries that if you're gonna be a confident person and you're gonna do it unfiltered, which means just being your fucking self, then there are four boundaries that you must have, right? The first one is time boundary. Respect your own schedule, respect your day. This means protecting your time and not overcommitting. And if you've got a DHD like me, you are already gonna struggle with the overcommitment part. So this is even more important for you. So for examples, like how many times are you staying back late at work, answering emails or work calls after hours, going and visiting that friend and doing things for them and helping them move house when you've already wanting to do something else. Running the kids around for the 50th time that day without saying no, right? Like there's so many things that we do with our time that we are not choosing. We are feeling like we should. We are feeling like we have to, we are feeling like we must. But we are not checking in with self and going, what do I value in this moment? What's important to me? What do I want to choose with my time? Second one, emotional boundaries. Oh my God, this one is the biggest one that I have had to learn as the people pleaser. A DHD are growing up to stop taking responsibility for other people's feelings. You are not responsible for fixing, saving, or making everyone happy. You know, I went into psychology actually thinking that I was going in so I could fix everyone and make everybody better, and nobody had to feel bad anymore. And what I learned through the process is it's actually about supporting people to rescue themselves. It's not my job ever to do that. In fact, we disable people by doing that. So here's the thing that I had to learn. I had to understand that it is okay if other people got upset. I had to understand that it's not always my job to be an emotional dumping ground for other people. I had to learn to understand that I didn't have to always be available for other people and their problem. I had to learn that it was actually okay to protect my own peace. Now, the third one, an energy boundary. Stop giving more, then you receive if it is not a choice. If someone is constantly, and this is not just sometimes, like I have some friends who, you know, I might hang out with them. They're having a bad day. My energy's drained, but the next day I hang out with them and then my energy by them is top back up, right? This is not those people. It's when you are constantly with someone and they are draining your energy without giving you anything ever in return. Now that's a problem. That is an imbalance in a relationship. Where one person is consistently taking and draining and the other person is receiving, it is okay to tell people that you cannot commit to something. It is okay to say no. It is okay to say, I'll get back to you. It is okay to say, I need some time to recharge. So you might love these people, but you don't have to. Maybe be with them every single day or answer every phone call, answer every text message. You can set some boundaries within that relationship. You can say to people, I love you, but I can't be your therapist. This is what you need to support you, and I can support you in getting there, but I cannot support you in the emotional dumping. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm, right? It's not your job to give all of your energy away. And sometimes it's really important to do an audit around the environments we are in, the people we're with, and just start checking in like, how am I feeling energetically in these spaces? And are there boundaries that I'm not setting that I actually need to start thinking about? And now the fourth one is physical boundary. This is your body, your space, your choice. This applies to personal space, to physical touch, to even digital boundaries, like people messaging you or texting you or sending you memes. If you don't like being hugged, newsflash, you don't have to be fucking hugged. Like you get to say no, please. You know, you don't have to. You can say to people, please don't show up my house unannounced. Like I don't. Like it when people show up unannounced, like you need to let me know if you're coming or not. Like you get to tell people what feels good for you with your personal space. It's okay to say to people, Hey, when I have time off, I actually don't wanna go out. I don't wanna socialize. I'm okay on my own. I love you and I appreciate you, but this is what I need for me. Right? You don't owe anyone either access to your body or your time. You get to say no around these things you get to set, get to set boundaries around these things. It is so important to do an audit around this. So here's the thing. What happens when you actually start to enforce a boundary? Here's the part that no one talks a lot about, is the minute. The minute you start to set a boundary, people will push back. They aren't going to fucking like it, especially if you have been in a dance with them for so long with not having a boundary. Now people push back for all different reasons. Sometimes people push back because it literally means this is different. This is new, it's unfamiliar, I'm uncomfortable, and I don't know what to do in this situation. So they push back to get you back in the old dance. It doesn't mean that they don't care. It doesn't mean that they don't wanna like respect your boundary, it just means there's some fear from the relationship starting to change. Other people though, the ones who benefited from your lack of boundaries, they weren't like the new you. And it's important to distinguish between the people who are like, oh, this is a jolt to my system and I've gotta kind of get used to it. And the people who are like, nah, fuck this. Like, I like the old you because I benefited. We need to learn to distinguish between the two. And sometimes it can be in the language if it's, oh, you've changed. That might be different to why are you being so selfish now? Right. Or they might try and guilt trip you or get angry. Right. It's just noticing people's reactions and also seeing, are they open to having a conversation about the new you. Those who are open to conversations, who are open to understanding are more likely to be the first people who are like, this is just new and I don't know what the fuck's going on. The people who get angry and guilt trip and call you selfish and who are nasty about it, they're probably the people that benefited. And that's probably information about checking in whether or not you still want those people in your circle. And what happens when we get this pushback? Is, it feels so scary and our nervous system gets activated and the fight or flight kicks in and then we feel guilt, and then people pleasing shows up. And then quite often in this moment we retreat, we step back and we cave in. But here's the thing that I want you to start saying to yourself is not me. When I set a boundary, I am going to hold steady. Because here's the thing, holding steady does not mean that you don't shake. It does not mean that you are not scared. It does not mean that you're not uncomfortable or it's not clunky or messy. It literally just means that you're to hold steady in the thick of it and keep setting your boundaries. Keep reinforcing your boundary. Keep practicing, articulating your boundary. Because here's the thing that boundaries will do for you. They will quickly filter out the wrong people who are in your world, and they will strengthen the right relationships. The people who truly respect you and can be with their own stuff, they'll adjust. They'll get on board and it might take some time, but they will. You know, here's a story, right? Like story time. For years I was the yes girl, right? I was the one who I always showed up. I always said yes. I always took on more than I could handle. I thought. I thought at the time I was being kind, right? But I was exhausted. I was resentful, and I lost myself. And I also realize now that I wasn't actually kind. I was nice as the people pleaser. I was making sure everybody liked me and loved me, but did they really? But I wasn't kind. One day, I actually, I hit a Dr. Like I hit this point where I was like, oh my God, I am so, I'm so drained. I'm so overwhelmed, and I almo like I had to take a step back. I didn't, I didn't know what to do. And I have seen therapists. I have seen coaches. I'm still working with a coach now, and I started to prioritize myself. And I started to work on who I was and who I wanted to be and what my values were and what I stood for. And I started with, I'll get back to you. Which then led to, no, and you know what happened? I actually lost quite a few people along the way, and at first I was a bit like, oh my God, this is, this is scary. I was really unsure and I was really uncertain and I didn't. I didn't know whether to keep going or not, but I did. And then I realized that I was also pissing some people off and annoying them by setting boundaries too. But then as I kind of sifted my way through, what I actually started to notice was that the people that were still there, right, that had gone with me through this journey, and they're still here today, they are the best people. Right. They stayed, they adjusted. They actually respected my boundaries and supported the fuck out of me. And those couple of people, and there's only a handful, right? They allowed me to see that there are people who want others to succeed, who want others to take care of themselves, who actually hear me out, will see you, but people are not gonna see you. They're not gonna notice you if you don't set boundaries, because by not setting boundaries, you are blending in with the crowd. You are not allowing people to see the line that exists between you and every other motherfucker. Once I started to set boundaries, I actually felt more energy, right? I was more confident. I I, I had more peace within myself. It is actually been the best thing I've ever done for my mental health. Like I, when I was younger, had significant anxiety, I would have panic attacks, and I can't tell you the last time I've had a panic attack now, it's been a very, very, very long time. So, you know how this podcast works, right? We don't just talk about the boundaries, we don't just give the information. We also look at what am I gonna do about it? What am I going to execute? Because knowledge without execution is literally just more information to fill your head. So this week I want you to set one boundary, but here's the thing I want you to be mindful of. I want you to set this boundary without apologizing. Because apologizing and saying sorry is often a strategy to kind of buffer the feeling we get when we set the boundary because it's really uncomfortable. So the rule is set one boundary without apologizing. And I want you to either, maybe it might be say no to something you don't wanna do. Tell someone maybe if they've crossed a line or you don't like something that they're doing. Protect your time, your energy, or your peace by maybe it's like saying to a friend, like, Hey, I know we committed to this thing, but I'm actually, I, I just can't do that now. Or, Hey, like looking at your work roster and going, Hey, you know what, this week I'm actually, I'm gonna finish at five. I'm not gonna stay till six. I'm not gonna stay back. I'm not gonna answer emails after work. Like, whatever it is, think about you. You are weak. Your world, your people, your environment. What is one boundary that you are going to practice setting without apologizing? And I want you to write it down. Write it down on a post-it note, put it on a screensaver on your phone. Tell someone for accountability. If that feels good, go into at Sky Marie Steel. Send me a message that lets me know what boundary you're gonna set so I can support you. And here's the things I want you to remember there. May be pushback. That's okay. That means nothing about you. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It is simply normal and natural for people to push back on something that is new and different and uncomfortable for them too. But you are not responsible for their reaction. You're just not right. You are not responsible equally. And this one's important too, for you over justifies and over explainers out there is you do not, you do not need to explain or justify why you are setting a boundary. You just simply get to set it. And the one we've all heard, but I don't think people pleasers actually take on board, is that saying no is a complete sentence. Like just no and full stop is allowed. And this is something that I had to practice was the full stops. And especially with A DHD, like I can talk with marbles in my mouth underwater, but the overexplaining, the over justifying, the coming up with all of these stories and excuses, it watered down my boundaries. And it didn't lead to feeling confident And remember. As you are doing this, I want you to come from a place of curiosity, right? Excitement, even that you're gonna give something new, a go, but not criticism. Because setting boundaries, it's clunky, it's messy, it's uncomfortable. The next day, if you're anything like me, you are going to have a boundary hangover, which means that you are going to feel uncomfortable. Big emotions are gonna come up. You are gonna doubt yourself like a mofo. But none of that, none of that is a reason to stop. Okay, so I, as usual, I would love to hear from you. I would love to keep this conversation going. I love chatting about boundaries, right? So jump on at Sky Marie Steel and let me know what boundary you are setting for this week. So my final thought for today is boundaries, right? Boundaries. Don't push the right people away. They actually push the wrong ones away and that my friend can be a gift.