How to Stop Shrinking and Start Owning Your Presence (Ep. 8)

If you've ever found yourself apologising for simply existing — for speaking up, taking up space, or having needs — this episode is for you.

Sky Marie Steel dives deep into the psychology behind why we shrink ourselves and offers real, raw strategies to help you own your presence unapologetically. From physical posture to the language you use, you’ll learn how to stop playing small and start showing up like you mean it — without waiting for permission.

Expect zero fluff, no perfection, just unfiltered truth and practical tools you can use right now to expand your confidence and take your place in the world.

A must-listen for recovering people pleasers, neurodivergents masking their brilliance, and anyone done with dimming their light.

👉 Hit play, take the challenge at the end, and tag @skymareesteele on Instagram to share what you’re finally giving yourself permission to do!

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Break free from the 'Nice Girl' rules, set strong boundaries, and reclaim your power to achieve meaningful results in 2025.

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Transcript

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Welcome to Confidence Unfiltered. I'm your host, sky Mary Steel, a clinical psychologist, business owner, A DHD, and recovering people pleaser. If you spent your life trying to keep everyone else happy while feeling like you're never quite enough, you're in the right place. Here we ditch the people pleasing, silence, the self-doubt, and have real unfiltered conversations about confidence, boundaries, and building a life that feels unapologetically yours. No fluff, no perfection, just raw, real talk to help you trust yourself, show up fully and own your dam power. Let's dive in. Welcome to another episode of Confidence Unfiltered. We are going to talk about how to take up space and own your presence. If you are a people pleaser like me, or a recovering people pleaser, you will know what I mean when I say that. We shrink, we shrink to make ourselves small. We shrink to be invisible, to not impact other people. We have an idea around. I'm too much. Like I don't wanna be that for other people. I don't wanna be a burden. I don't wanna be talk too loud. I don't wanna be too big. I don't wanna be too emotional. Like we literally make ourselves small. Right. People who are shrinking, they hold back opinions, they hold back thoughts, but this then leads to holding back their dreams and their desires for fear of rocking the boat, for fear of being judged, for fear, of being seen as silly, as stupid, as whatever it is that you are brain tells you. And the worst thing is people who shrink apologize all the time. They apologize for taking up space physically. Are you the person walking down the Woolies aisle and someone's coming towards you and you haven't even got towards them yet and you're apologizing for having to walk past them? People who shrink. We apologize emotionally. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I just shared my feeling with you. Now I'm being a burden and now I'm too much, and now I'm blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right? And we apologize verbally. Oh my God, I've talked too much. I've talked too much about me. I'm so sorry I haven't listened to you enough. Like there's an apology all the time. No matter what you do, you are apologizing for literally being you. Now, if you nodded yes. Then this episode is for you because today we are talking about how to start owning your presence. We are going to talk about why we actually shrink, and then the power that can come when we finally start to take up space. Because here's the thing, we were never as humans meant to live in a tiny little box, right? Just to make other people comfortable. The world actually does not need any more watered down versions of humans. What it actually needs is real bold and unfiltered. You showing up in your authenticity. So why do we actually shrink? Like what is it about us that has our play like small? When we are growing up as a little human, we are going to learn strategy to survive strategy to get our needs met. If you are a people pleaser, what you are going to learn is, is that when you are big, when you are loud, when you are opinionated, when you are, whatever it is, insert the thing that was you, that doesn't get your need met. And so you learn that playing small, you learn that shrinking, that that is safe. You become like the little rabbit in the wild who's running around who sees a lion who shrinks into the background. So it lives to fight another day. But you, my friend, are not a fucking rabbit. And you get to be the lion, but not until you learn that you get to take up space. That those things that you were taught, those threats that you perceive to be true, they're not actually things that can hurt you. You know, as women a lot of the time are taught, like you have to be agreeable, you have to be polite. You can't be too loud. You've gotta be nice, right? For men, the threat might be you're not allowed to cry. You've always gotta put on a tough exterior. For people pleasers, you have to comfort everybody else before yourself. You're a divergence. You've got a mask. You've gotta be like a neurotypical, like there will be something in your world that you have learned and a rule that you have taken on that has now led you to believe that being small is what you have to do. That not taking up space is what you need to do in order to survive. But here's the thing, it does not help you thrive. I. And that's what I'm about as humans, right? Like this is not about survival. We don't wanna just survive this one life that we have to live. We wanna fucking live it. And we are not going to be able to do that by making ourselves small, by shrinking, by pleasing, by making ourselves invisible. Because here's the thing, confidence being you. That isn't about being the loudest person in the room. It's about learning to own your space. It's about learning to own who you are and allow yourself a presence in the environments and relationships you are in. So how do we know if we're shrinking? Like what are the things we need to be mindful of? So I want you to just start to notice as you go through your day and see if you can catch yourself or have caught yourself, if you look backwards doing any of these things. Now, the first thing that we do when we are shrinking is we make ourselves small physically. When we are owning who we are, we are standing to attention. Our shoulders are back, our head is up. If we feel comfortable with eye contact, we give eye contact. Right? And that's not everybody, but we are holding ourselves bigger. Think about the peacock that's standing to attention, wanting to be noticed, right? That is when we are not shrinking ourselves. The opposite of that, when we are shrinking our shoulders. Are hunched over, our arms are crossed. Maybe even our legs are crossed. We're kind of pulling ourselves into our middle, like we are literally putting ourselves in that fetal position, which really, when you think about it, it's the protection of vital organs. And we are telling ourselves that I need to be small, that there is a threat about, and I want you to notice when are you making yourself small, and what is the threat in your environment that has you do that? And play out that way. The other way that we shrink ourselves is through apologizing all the fucking time. Sorry for speaking. Sorry for bothering you for, sorry for walking past you in the supermarket. Sorry for looking in your direction. Sorry for breathing in your space. I had a lady once say. Sorry for getting up in a therapy session, getting a tissue 'cause she was crying and putting it in the bin. Like this is the level at which we apologize. We apologize for our literal fucking existence. That is another way that we make ourselves very small. We are telling ourselves that we are not important and we are not worthy to earn any space or time, and that we need to apologize for being there the other way. That we make ourselves small or that we shrink is through over-explaining and justifying. We are not able to just own a thought, own an opinion, own a statement. We have to bring in all of these reasons why we are saying or thinking or doing something. The other thing we do. Is we downplay accomplishments or I've seen some people trump this and not just downplay or brush off or minimize a compliment, but they will then throw that compliment back on the other person. Twofold. For example, like somebody might say, oh my God, like you look like you've lost so much weight, like you look great. And you might go, yes, but I've seen you in the gym. You work out so much and your muscles are so much bigger than me. Like you actually just one up the other person in their compliment. And dismiss everything they fucking said to you. The other thing that you might do is you hesitate before you speak. You second guess yourself. You can't jump in in a conversation you're not sure, like, when am I allowed to speak and is it okay? And what are they gonna think? And we find ourselves holding back, waiting for permission that never comes to share. But this is the thing I want you to start having in mind. Is that confident people don't shrink themselves to fit in a room, they actually expand to fill it. I want you to think about a time when you went to a party or a gathering or a get together, and you'll all know, like there might have been a person that you've seen in the corner that was hunched over and hiding and not giving eye contact and looking away. Their arms were crossed, like they were not inviting people in. Right. This is the person who is shrinking and then another day that same person, but they're in an environment where they feel safe. They walk in, shoulders up head, head up, arms out, and they're like, Hey everybody, I'm here. And you just, you feel their presence. Now, this can be exactly the same person, but one behavior is having them play small. And the other is having everybody in that room feel their presence. And what we wanna learn is how to do the second one more of the time. And here's the thing, taking up space, it isn't just physical, it's also about learning that you get to speak up even with uncertainty. You don't have to be like, oh my God, I know exactly how to articulate myself. But what you need to work on is going, even if I don't articulate myself well, I'm certain that I've got my own back. I'm certain that I had permission to speak. I'm certain that I can recover whether it works out well or not, and it's that certainty in speaking no matter what, not getting it right that we need to work on. The other thing that has us learn the power of taking up space is by learning that we, you are the only person's permission that you ever need. You do not have to wait for approval, for permission, for anyone else in this world, for you to have a voice, for you to take up space, for you to have an opinion, or a thought, or a dream, or take an action. The only person's permission that you ever need is your own. The big practice can be expressing yourself fully. Without diluting your personality. Like there's a story. And if you know me, you may have heard it already that I had where I had a client and she would come in every week in black and I would be like, one day I was just like, oh my God, like you must really like black. Like we have that in common. Like I love black too. And they looked at me and they started crying and I was like, oh my god, fuck, what have I done? Like, and they said to me, I actually don't like black. I wear black because it makes me invisible. I can hide. What I actually love is color and I challenged this beautiful human to come in next session and to wear color. And the next time I seen her, she came in with this most beautiful scarf and it was so fucking colorful. And I was like almost like the first time that I got to see part of her personality. And that's what I mean is that quite often we are walking around with a diluted personality because we are trying to fit in as opposed to just being ourselves. And when we are not taking up space, when we are not owning presence, when we are shrinking, we are robbing people of getting to know the awesome humans that we are. The other thing about taking space is about learning that you actually get to have needs. You actually get to have wants, you get to have desires, and you get to not buy into a bullshit story that it is like that guilt of like, oh, but I shouldn't, or I couldn't, or I have to, or a rule about somebody else is more important, or blah, blah, blah. Whatever it is that comes into your mind. Taking up space is about owning that guilt might be there and doing something anyway, or noticing that anxiety might be like, they're like that lady that come into the waiting room and she was wearing color, but having anxiety and doing something anyway. Because here's the thing, when you start to take up space, when you stop shrinking, when you allow yourself to be seen. That is when you get to set a standard and you teach people how you wanna be treated. If you teach people that you don't matter, that your space doesn't matter, that your opinion doesn't matter, then they treat you like that. If you teach people that I am important through my nonverbal behaviors by owning the space that I'm in. You are teaching more people that you actually deserve respect and that there's a standard in which you want to be treated. Now, this is not a guarantee because there are some motherfuckers out there who may disrespect you. It's not a guarantee that other people are gonna do the right thing by you, but it is more of a guarantee that you are going to back yourself. In the moments when these people aren't treating you well, because here's the thing, people who command space don't have all the answers, but they trust themselves enough to show up fully and to know that they will have their back when things don't work out the way that they planned. So how the hell I hear you asking. Do I take up space? Well, firstly, and you know, insert an eye roll here. You do it by starting and feeling awkward as hell, right? Like, how do you do It is about practice. It's about putting yourself out there. So I have a four step confidence expansion plan that I wanna run by you, that I want you to start to think about. The first thing when we are thinking about expansion is how do I expand my body language? Because here's the thing, 80% of language is nonverbal. So think about it, your body speaks before you do. So your body is going to tell people whether you are taking up space and owning presence, or whether you are shrinking before anything comes out of your mouth. So what are confident people do? Stand tall, shoulders back, chest open. When you think about this in regard to fight or flight, when we are hunched over and we're small and we are hiding our vital organs, we are showing ourselves that we are in the defense position. When we stand tall with our shoulders back, our vital organs are open to attack. We are letting other people know that we are in a confident position. On a primitive level, your body language is gonna ooze confidence or fear. Hand gestures are also important when we are looking at taking up space. I. Moving your hands, allowing your body to naturally go where it needs to. When you are talking shows energy. It shows conviction if you are got your hands held close to your chest, if you are crossing your arms, if your hands are in your pockets, if they're behind your back, when you are trying to take up space, this can indicate that you are not as confident. So it's about looking at what feels comfortable for me, and I'm a big hand talker, right? Like my hands are moving around right now just talking to you and you can't even see me. Some people are not so much, it's not a right, wrong, but it's what is my natural body movement when I feel good. And allowing yourself to do more of that in the moments when you feel like you need a shrink. The other thing for people who can, because not everybody can, and this is not a right or wrong, but if you are somebody who is good with eye contact, eye contact is owning confidence. But for neurodivergent, what is equally powerful is letting someone know, Hey, I don't do eye contact. So when I'm talking to you, if I'm looking over there. That is me paying attention to you. It's owning either way, what feels natural and comfortable for you versus feeling like you have to go what is not the natural rhythm of your body. So what is probably not so helpful to do when it comes to the body? Well, literally the fucking opposite, right? Stop. Shrinking. Making yourself small. I noticed for me, like when I was younger, I'm tall and all of my friends were head shorter and I would feel like I was like, you know, out on the limb like threat. Threat. Like I'm different to everybody else. And I would shrink and I would hunch over. And it wasn't until I got to uni and I had friends and they were like, why are you doing that? I was like, I don't fucking know. And then I realized, and I did psychology. I was like, oh, I was making myself small to fit in 'cause I didn't wanna stand out. So just noticing if you are shrinking, if you are holding your head low, if you posture shit and then if you, when you're speaking to someone, like it doesn't matter whether you have eye contact or not, but when we look down versus like up, it actually indicates that we are not confident and that we're shrinking. So I want you to think about next time you walk into a room, you meet a friend, you're, I don't know, in a business meeting you go to work. I want you to pay attention to your body language, and I want you to notice, oh, does this feel for me? Like I'm shrinking? And if it does, what can I do in terms of flipping the script to practice taking up space and owning some presents? Now the second thing in terms of expansion is drop the fucking apologies. Stop apologizing for existing, right? Not it's like, oh, sorry. Just a quick thought or sorry. I'm just gonna grab you before you go. Or sorry. Is it okay to say something? Fuck that shit off No more. I want you to own your statements. Oh, here's my take on this. Versus, is it okay if I talk. Or, Hey, I have a perspective to share versus, oh, I'm so sorry. Can, can I give my opinion? Like it's about making a statement without an apology, because your voice actually matters and you do not need to apologize for using it. So start noticing where you are putting a, sorry, in a sentence that isn't necessary. And literally practice rewriting that as a statement. And then don't roll your eye at me. Get in front of the mirror and practice. Practice it as a statement. Practice saying it out loud. Notice your verbal, your nonverbals. In the mirror, like get familiar with yourself. When we are shrinking, when we are small, when we're not taking up presents, we are no longer familiar with who we are and how we wanna stand out. What we are focused on is everything else around us. So get in front of that mirror people. Now the third thing in terms of learning to expand ourselves is actually practicing speaking with confidence. Even when you are nervous as fuck, because your voice, it carries energy and it makes you feel strong. The thing I had to learn as an A DHD is to speak slower. Speaking fast and rushing, it can signal nervous. Now, a lot of the time for me, when I was speaking fast and I was rushing and I was doing the thing, initially it was excitement, right? Or it was hyperactivity and I just want you to know everything, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But what would happen is, is that that excitement, because it's the same physiological response, would actually then trigger my anxiety because I'd get shortness of breath, and then I'd overthink it, and then I'd worry what I said, and then I would get anxious. So learning to slower your speech and to practice the pause will help with feeling more confident and taking up space. The other one to practice in terms of how we articulate is dropping certain words. So instead of like, oh, um, just, you know, can I, can I just, uh, before you go, it's like no. Hey, before you go, can we have a conversation? Not just before you go, like it's, get rid of the word. Just, I was just about to, I'm, I'm so sorry. Fuck it off. I'm going to do that now for you. Get rid of the word. Just the other thing that we wanna get rid of is, I think we wanna own a statement like, oh, I think, um, yeah, may, may. Yeah. Maybe. I did the report. I did the report. Oh yeah, I think I, um, I think I paid the bill. I paid the bill. Like, if you know something to be true, own it. Stop saying I think. I think what is it down, I think creates doubt. We wanna own our statements. Your words actually deserve to be heard. But when you are rushing, when you are staying silent. When you are using like what we call qualifier words, which is I think just because like we're putting things in be before a sentence, then we're actually not owning who we are. We're actually not owning our words. We're actually not owning the space. I want you to think of it as statement short, succinct. Versus adding in all the little fluffy shit that waters and dilutes your language. And as I will say, a million times, right in every single one of these episodes, the fourth part of expansion is taking action. So many of us are caught up in going, okay, well I, I wanna stop shrinking and I wanna learn how to not take up space. And what I used to do is I used to read so many fucking books and then I would watch the YouTube and then I'd listen to the podcast and then I'd talk to my coach. But I wouldn't actually do anything with the information that I was given.'cause literally I was scared, I was knowledgeable and I knew stuff and I thought I could do that. But equally, I was fucking. Terrified to do the thing. So the fourth thing is stop waiting for permission or the right time, or a fucking Monday to actually practice taking up space. I want you to think about situations in which you can start practicing your body language. Like where can you start practicing taking up space with your body language? Where are you saying the apology? So you can start practicing not doing the thing? Where can you practice speaking more in terms of your confidence? Is it in a work meeting? Is it on a Facebook Live? Can you create a reel? Can you practice with your friend or with your partner? Like where can you start practice or can you just record it and watch yourself back? Yes. Don't roll your eyes at me people, and just notice how you do the thing. Overthinking says, should I say this? Will they judge me confidence in taking spaces? I trust myself, and I'm saying it anyway. Waiting for an invite and not giving yourself permission is, should I go up? Should I talk to them? Should I do this? Confidence says I belong. Here, I'll introduce myself the fastest way. To feel confident is to start acting like you already are and this is not some bullshit. Fake it till you make it. I am talking about going in there and actioning shoulders back. I am going in there and talking about saying the thing and practicing the new way to say it, even if it's shaky. Start acting like you're confident, means that we are going to practice and action the confidence strategies. It's not about faking anything and big point here, people is fuck off the shoulds when you start to think about. Building confidence and not shrinking and having presence and taking up space. You were going to get caught up in comparison. You were going to get caught up in bullshittery, which is quite often as the shoulds. Oh, to be confident I should wear a fucking blazer. If you've never wore a blazer and you don't like blazers, don't wear blazers. Confidence might be, oh, um, I need to speak up in that meeting about something. But if you don't have an opinion around anything and you don't wanna speak up, you don't have to fucking speak up. It's not about doing the things you think you should do. It's about getting in tune with yourself, how you feel in your body, naturally, how your personalities, what your nature is, what your values are, what is important to you, and it's giving permission for that. Not to be a carbon copy person of what you perceive is confident. Confidence doesn't look one way. Taking up presence and space doesn't look one way. Confidence taking up space and not shrinking is simply about bringing your energy to the world and showing up like you belong. Now your challenge this week is to expand yourself, take up space. I want you to notice, notice where you're shrinking, whether it be your body language, your voice, your presence, and I want you to think about what is one bold shift that you could do to take up more space. And that might be simply standing taller. That might be it. That might be all you do. That might be practicing the pause in your conversation. It might be flipping from, oh, I think, or I might, or I could to owning your language in a statement, but just pick one and then I want you to practice it daily like a mofo.'cause confidence only builds with action shrinking. Comes with inaction and as usual, jump onto Instagram and send me a DM and let me know at Sky Marie Steel like what it is that you are working on in terms of taking up space. And here as usual, 'cause you know, I like to talk is my final reminder. You actually don't need to wait for someone to say it's okay to be bold. This now, in this moment, listening to this is your permission slip to fucking own it. Own who you are. And as I've said, confident people, they don't make themselves smaller, they expand and you, you are done shrinking.